You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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