my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
