Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
