I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
