Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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