just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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