he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
