oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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