thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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