I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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