She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
