It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
