Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize