maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
