Barsexuality is the new black.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
