Do you still have your period?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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