Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
