Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
