I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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