I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Randomize
