I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
