I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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