she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
