Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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