take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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