Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
