tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
