I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Randomize
