I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
