hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
