So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
