I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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