I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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