Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
