Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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