I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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