the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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