i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
