GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
This house was built for laser tag.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
