matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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