I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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