I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
