why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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