I can text with my tongue
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
