i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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