im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
