haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
