is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize