Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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