so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
