Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
