what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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