god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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