God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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