I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
