i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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