I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
