At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
