The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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