Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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