if i can run in heels then i can drive
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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