New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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