she looked like the bat from fern gully.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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