You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
