i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
