areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
