So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
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Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
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I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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