Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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