i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
